20+ Funniest Tweets That Best Sum Up Married Life

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  • 01
    Dan Regan @DanRegan_Comedy. Follow The range of time between my wife saying "Why did you wake me up so early" and "Why did you let me sleep so late" is 7.5 minutes. 1:05 PM Mar 6, 2024 X
  • 02
    Dan Regan @DanRegan_Comedy. Follow When we pack for a trip my wife basically moves out. 7:27 PM Mar 9, 2024 X
  • 03
    SARCASTIC Sm ANNOW Sarcastic Mommy ❤ @sarcasticmommy4 My husband told me we were out of BBQ sauce because he couldn't find it so I went to the fridge & looked behind the milk & OMG it's a miracle: we're not out of BBQ sauce.
  • 04
    sixfootcandy @sixfootcandy. Follow Me: *making a turkey sandwich and carefully cutting off the crust* Husband: It's ok, hun. I'll eat the crust. Me: This is for the dog. Husband: Of course it is. 8:11 PM Mar 8, 2024 X
  • 05
    SARCASTIC Sm MOMMY Sarcastic Mommy @sarcasticmommy4 Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
  • 06
    ANNA DOESN'T Anna WANT TO @AnnaDoesntWant2 Me: Say that word I like Him: Pajamas?
  • 07
    Simon Holland @simoncholland. Follow X Probably the saddest part of being a grownup is deciding with your wife that an air fryer will be your birthday gift to each other. 2:38 PM Mar 8, 2024
  • 08
    SM CASTIC Sarcastic Mommy MOMMY @sarcasticmommy4 My husband & I get along great as long as we don't talk about money, work, kids, where to eat, how much my makeup costs, why he's in the bathroom THAT long, etc.
  • 09
    Marriage And Martinis @MarriageMartini My husband, comfy in bed. Lights out, 80% asleep. Me: (sits up and hovers over him) "Babe, I was just thinking....do you think we're good parents?"
  • 10
    Asia X @AsiaDNYC. Follow Do I believe in gender roles? No. Do I believe in my right to say "don't you worry your pretty little head, darlin"" after killing a roach bc my husband is afraid of them? Very much yes. 3:25 PM Mar 7, 2024
  • 11
    Rodney Lacroix @RodLacroix · Follow X Having a wife and daughters means there's an 80% chance that any flat surface in your house has a hair tie on it. 3:02 PM Mar 7, 2024
  • 12
    Amy Colleen @sewistwrites. Follow X It's sad when our families don't appreciate all the things we moms do for them. For instance, my husband has not once thanked me today for providing him with up-to-the- minute coverage on the Kensington Palace photo conspiracy. 1:18 AM Mar 11, 2024
  • 13
    Asia @AsiaDNYC. Follow X My husband thinks he knows how to argue with me because he is a lawyer but what he fails to account for is the fact that I am insane and cannot be reasoned with 9:00 PM Mar 7, 2024
  • 14
    CASTIC Sarcastic Mommy ❤ sm MOMMY @sarcasticmommy4 My husband & I have ZERO kids home tonight. What do we do? Go to Costco.
  • 15
    nika @nikalamity Follow my husband thinks he's easy-going but also just complained that he has to use two hands because the toilet paper is hard to rip 10:58 PM · Mar 6, 2024 199 Reply ↑ Share X
  • 16
    SM MOMMY Sarcastic Mommy ❤ @sarcasticmommy4 My husband walked out the door & told me to have a good day like he doesn't even realize he's leaving me home with our children.
  • 17
    ANNA DOESN'T Anna WANT TO @AnnaDoesntWant2 Boyfriend: I think I'm getting a cold Girlfriend: Oh no! I'll get you some soup and hot tea 20 years later... Husband: I think I'm getting a cold Wife: You just had one
  • 18
    No Idea: Daddy Blog @byclintedwards My wife asked me to grab her something from the hotel breakfast, and when I asked for suggestions, she said "you know what I like." I've never been so scared in my whole life.
  • 19
    Mommy MommyCocktail Cocktail @MommyCocktail I've been married so long that my husband is mad that I ate a quesadilla in the fridge but is fine that I'll be out of town for his birthday.
  • 20
    Coley @ColeyTangerina In every partnership, there is a person who stacks the dishwasher like a Scandinavian architect and a person who stacks the dishwasher like a racoon on .
  • 21
    CASTIC Sarcastic Mommy Sm MOMMY @sarcasticmommy4 If you're curious about what it's like to be married for 24 years, my husband & I agreed we should probably cut back on our frivolous spending & 2 days later he bought a car on his lunch break.
  • 22
    ANNA DOESN'T WANT TO Anna @AnnaDoesntWant2 If there were a God spouses wouldn't have to share a bathroom

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